Let my fingers do the walking...

im busy! im busy! im busiiieeeeyyyyyyeeeeaaarrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need clown! i need clown! i need kellawOoNN!!!!!!!!

haaarrgghh! punch bag! speed ball! be my life saviour!

"don't you say it," i whispered, i felt like want to press against the side of his mouth, "don't you dare say it!"

the movie was still playing..but my only brother kept hammering me with his story. "you know what, after this he'll run away and get killed by the hyenas," he remarked. shut up, *bomell, just shut up for a minute.

i really needed to WATCH the movie. not listening to his story. eventhough, it was true. but it was not his story i was strongly keening to. damn you bomell. you stink.

***
"save my life, dear God,"
i had been insane  in the dark of early morning. i felt the pain. the pain was warm and every other part of me felt cold that morning.
"it's gone D...whatever it is, it's gone," i said to myself...remembering how stupid i was...i dared to consume a bottle of cough syrup just in one gulp. i had been sent to hospital and thank God it only contained a small amount of Dextromethorphan. i was fine. physically.

***
your last chance...don't make a mistake.

i dared to cheat my parents. #@&% me!

***
i walked home at 2am from the library alone. tried to do my best for my final exam. i felt the wind...walked in the middle of silent night. people said, "are you okay walking home alone?" and i replied,"yeah, i dare to...you can still see me now. i'm not lost...yet."

***
i dared to play a fireball when i joined a camping last semester. i got burnt scars at my feet. for the time being, i 'm applying vitamin E concentrate and hoping it'll be fine. satisfaction accomplished.

***
there's so many things i dare to do. to be listed here one by one is impossible. one thing i want to highlight here, i never touch snakes. even one. i hate snakes. how i wish they are never exist. fug ugly creatures.

*bomell- my big brother. once an irritating big brother. he's fine now.

Four years ago, Anwar Ibrahim, the so-called opposition leader obtained his liberty from the custody of authoritative force with skinny and pale figure. His daunting history in a period of nearly for decades in politics, Mr. Anwar, a 60 years old man who is from a radical Islamic student leader to an eminent deputy prime minister. Then, he has undergone a high profile case trial that results him behind the bars. He has been averted from holding any political office and in 1999, succumbed to six years imprisonment due to abuse of power.

Now, he and his allies are being more alert since the eclectic winning in the March 8 Malaysia general elections. The ruling party won an uncomfortably slim 51 percent of the vote causes he need only 30 members of Parliament to cross over to bring down the federal government. Recently, he merged up the tree main opposition groups as known as the People’s Alliance in order to govern the states they admin jointly.

The opposition’s ‘bull’s eyes’ achievement has undermined the united Malays National Organization, which has governed Malaysia for 50 years into mess. Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, being an absolute defensive leader and struggling for his political dignity, he said, “I will not remain for very long.” Ruling party delegates from his home state, Penang (and me too), which has been vanquished by the opposition party in March, have advised him to step down. One of the most influential figures, Mahathir Mohamad, the prominent prime minister who dismissed Mr. Anwar from the government in 1998 after the battle of power. Mr. Abdullah is being questioned and challenged within the party by Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah, a former finance minister.

Mr. Razaleigh and Mr. Anwar offer utter different visions for Malaysia. For the first time in decades, voters from different backgrounds as Malaysia has multiethnic community are faced with an integral ideological choice of whether to continue with an authoritarian system largely segregated by race that has conquered politics here for decades, or to experiment with a more liberal democracy that subordinates ethnicity.

Mr. Razaleigh, 71, has expressed his bid in the traditional language of Malay nationalism, subjecting to the largest of the country’s three main ethnic groups; Malay, Chinese and Indian. “We successfully vanquished the scheming colonizer and continued our struggle to claim independence armed only with a devoted spirit towards our race, religion, culture and homeland,” he said in his recent speech alleging his challenge to Mr. Abdullah.

Ironically, Mr. Anwar, promises far-reaching transformations to the country’s authoritarian laws and political system of ethnic segregation that has its own political party. His multiethnic partners have vowed to annul a system that gives ethnic Malays discounts on houses, scholarships and a quota of 30 percent of shares in companies listed on the stock market. ..and I am SO disagree with this!

Since his release from prison, Mr. Anwar has rarely missed an opportunity to call for “accountability and good governance” in Malaysia, where persons who refuse to conform to prevailing political are jailed without trial-audi alteram partem is no more, students are barred from executing politics and government contracts are given to acquaintances in power.

Putting his words into action, the People’s Alliance has announced that’s government contracts in the states it controls are subject to open bidding. In Perak, a large multiracial state in the north, the government is giving permanent land titles to the ethnic Chinese minority who previously received only fixed-term leases. In Penang, the People’s Alliance government is setting up interfaith councils to review disputed decisions and policies that hurt certain groups. The People’s Alliance is breaking religious and ethnic taboos, redefining the relationship among Muslims, who form a majority of Malaysia’s 26 million people, and Buddhists, Christians, Sikhs and other groups. Mr. Anwar says he and his allies are trying to prove that they can reach decisions on the country’s thorniest issues.

Extracted from Ibrahim Suffian, director of the Merdeka Center, an independent polling agency…

“Malaysians had refrained from voting for the opposition in the past because of a fear of the unknown. But less fear is detected in this election and almost no regret by voters afterward.”

God bless Malaysia.

I am a Daffodil

notes: created by diyana khazali, martin is a special man with a special rich man culture. but he realizes that the question of capital is better be left unanswered.

put it in the past:
those opposed stood up to make their points, while those in favour sat quietly, relying on every words came out from the bourgeoisies, upholding their side of the case. some who spoke raised the notion of privacy, right and liberty. few wanted to proclaim to the outside world how much they gained, how much money they made. they operated under the veil of secrecy aroused by the personality conflicts and the so-called modern lifestyle featured in glossy magazines complete with pictures of undeniably luxurious homes and the wall street ethos.

i put it in the present:
it is all about money man. damn.

still in the present:
money is everything. simple but meaningful. light but beautiful. you are so charming when it is full. without it you dull. (you can rap if you want)

with the rewards from considerable risks. all people, regardless of their stake, left the bulk of each year's earnings due to maintain its special culture. the culture which makes the people stare in amazement. on the face of it the issue seemed to have pitted brother against brother. but after martin spoke, it was all over. no vote was ever taken.

richie culture is being taken seriously on the street. brains are not enough. showing your big hot mama bottoms is also not enough. you hot? nahhh...NOT ENOUGH!. it is a grueling process that tests endurance as well as aptitude and those who do not evince a scorching ambition, total commitment and inclination for teamwork are quickly weeded out. martin said, " if you can't sublimate your ego or work with other, you have a problem of gaining the capital. you will only have your own Bentley after the jaws stop eating humans". here, rugged individualism has no place. the men who put those deals together will become a public personality and gives the wall street its glamorous. it shouted, " be a contributor! not merely an employee or a participator goddamn it!". simply doing the job you are hired to do is not enough. more than that. it takes more. really. more.

martin is determined and his interests more nakedly commercial. he regularly reminds himself that 'money is always fashionable. no seasoned element in it and no expiry date'. thus, it keeps come and go and never stop flowing. he is ambitious and do little to promote his philosophy  because he tend not to share his glory. he has a box at the opera and enjoys music. he recalled, " i rebuilt what has collapsed. so that today i can say, that's been my satisfaction in life and it worths more than dollars. other people may be a great deal richer than i am but that's, to my way of thinking, is unimportant as long as the liabilities has been paid off."

finally, martin got his own Bentley and the jaws still eating humans more aggressively.

i'm glad that martin is happy and martin is glad that i created him happily.
(no rap here)

p/s: a piece of honest advise from diyana khazali...

ego, arrogance, a sense of self-importance, if you allow them to develop. that's when you fall off the track.

the train was only half full. i chose a seat opposite to nobody. well, my baby nephew needed some space too. the journey from london to glasgow by the train took almost five hours. with big luggages, stroller and a baby that i had to take care of..it is so stressful. strangers thought i was married =(

i was reading a book by sheldon. then i saw a woman. elegant woman. sitting across my seat. we smiled at each other. she greeted and told me her name was uma and vice versa. we had a long, casual conversation and while she was aroused by my experiences and what i thought on being there, i could see she had a soft navy cashmere on her lap, a toothbrush lay concealed under her tote bag, her black leather purse and a copy of The Awakening by Kate Chopin. i know about the author and her prominent work but i didn't much feel like reading it..until now.

"Kate Chopin", uma said, putting her left hand into pocket. "yeah.." i cuddled the baby.."brrr...it's freezing like..urm, heaven?..because i don't think hell will be extremely cold like this..eh?" ..then she bursted into laughter.

"you are right..but please, don't tell me malaysia is hot as hell."
"nope..it's raining..then hot a bit..raining back..becomes very hot..raining raining..flood..(pause)..what the hell??"
and we both were laughing..heavenly.

uma worked as an accountant for the virgin trains company. well, we rode on the virgin trains itself. she was a pakistani-indian origin who lived and worked in london for 15 years and she was still single at the time i met her. i don't know her status now =P

behind uma, two men were eating from a white plate of lots of different kinds of salami together with lemon juices. there was also a lot of talking. i could hear what they were talking..both talked a good deal, about travels and about incidents-some funny, some shocking-in the antiques worlds, and they gave me headache since they kept involving me and uma asking our opinion of things. stop asking me questions pakcik (uncle). for god's sake. haih.

i looked out of the window..as the sun beams through the clouds became more and more pronounced, i could see some white sheeps. only two of them were blacks. it seemed like a painted scenery..a very well executed portrait right before my eyes. it was so beautiful..

i came to uk for about two months already. everything there was so different.. i walked alone, had a fantastic holiday traveling solo and i just followed the map. but believe me i could go from feeling so discarded to feeling so desired. i had met with a lot of new people. a very good and intellect chat is a must. i tried my best to speak english for the first time in my life. all of the people are so interesting and intriguing..i just knew their names, origins, careers, but i did not know what are their true colours and backgrounds..why they were such in hurry, why the old woman had a scar on her right cheek, why a very pretty lady had her lunch alone, what song was he listening to, where that little girl got a pair of cute pink boots from..

i went through a rapid transformation, the utter, brilliant, wonderful transformation from being a shy, low self-esteem, always-think-i'm-not-beautiful feeling to a strong, confident, outspoken, optimistic..never-think-i'm-not-beautiful girl.
the experience is just like a presence of a brochure in my carrier bag which is full of informations, writings, images and colours. along with my once a fancy pair of clarks shoes now becomes a very humble one. if the shoes can talk, they'll tell you everything..where did i go, how far i had walked, how was the weather, how clumsy i was and how bad i treated them..

the three months journey in the uk has taught me a lot..and now, i am in malaysia. only media and technologies can be a bridge between me and the world. internet..newspapers..i have to admit that i seldom read newspapers because i give my attention more on my studies, assignments. but eventually, i realized there is a lot that i need to know, search and discover something new. learn about the cultures, political thinkings, rights, survivals, economies, socials and responsibilities of other people from other countries all around the world. furthermore, it only costs me a small penny. owh press..please press me.

i used to play at the pla yground in front of my house. running happily. jumping happily. screaming happily. spinning happily. crying..because i fell down and my knees bleed. but still, i don't give a damn of anything that bothering me. i am happy. i mean, i 'was' a happy girl..once upon a time. a long long long time ago..

then i saw a guy. he was handsome, tall and fair. i did not know who the hell he was. i was just staring at him. speechless. it was an utter impulse, i never have this feeling. but i like it. i like the feeling. the feeling of being seduced. hahah. i was 8 years old at that time. should i say...gatal kid !! =P

when i woke up in the morning. i remember the smell of toast that i usually smell at home. before going to school i wll have a breakfast first. toast, boiled egg mixed with toyu (soysauce) and i will mushed it up to death until it seems mudlike and a cup of milo made by ibu. but trust me, the milo made by me is more delicious than hers XD

now, sometimes i'm thinking to find myself looking back on those earlier days. full of nostalgic moments. my ibu (mom) always define me as a messy, noisy, curious type of girl. i got a load of questions to be asked. after she answered me one questions, there sure will be another questions. i ask her till she started mumbling then she fall asleep. automatically. like.."mama, why the cow is not dead?"..then she answered, "because he is on the ship going to jail." or "mama, why the rainbow is colourful?"....the answer is, " because the grasshopper is lost."..the rainbow and the grasshopper?..got it? make sense?? lolroflomg

as i spooning milo into mugs, there is a exasperating feeling triggered me. horrible satisfaction. disagreeable comfort. i got my priorities wrong, that is no way i belong to any people for the time being accept for my nucleus family. i wondered if i am a house, i'm getting the same loving, focused interest, an excellent buyer will buy me. with a business loan, a big mortgage. divide the proceed fairly and no lawyer. but the thing is, i don't found the excellent buyer yet. i've met a lot of wrong people. especially guys. they only have aortic incompetences and degeneration of the hearts. they are just like a strange room full of exploding hormones. period. i'm apologetic about that.

it takes ages to settle the feeling. i gone across from one block to the other blocks of my mind and got it out of bed in search of some giant burgers or premium ice cream. at least a girl like diyana khazali had started in some style, i don't have to share a lavatory with people full of hatred or feel that life would never be anything better or more interesting than the Veronica Mars series or should i say...Prison Break? am i being prisoned? well, i guess it is only the cow which is on the ship. ask my mom.